


5 times Thranduil went partying  - and one time everything went wrong

by huliq, keitolino



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 08:45:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3113495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huliq/pseuds/huliq, https://archiveofourown.org/users/keitolino/pseuds/keitolino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thranduil is the one and only true party animal in Middle Earth</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 times Thranduil went partying  - and one time everything went wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I'd say I'm sorry but we had a lot of fun writing it :')

**1 Donatella**

Thranduil was combing his long, silver blond hair carefully in front of his huge mirror that he’d almost completely covered in wonderful drawings of his mighty, fabulous self. He was going to slay tonight. He was sure of it.

“I’m blonde, I’m skinny, I’m rich and I’m a little bit of a bitch” he sang to himself pleased to see his hair was on point. His angelic voice echoed through the halls of his palace. The sound was floating through the air and reached the rest of his entourage who were already waiting for him impatiently.

But did he care about them? No. Of course he did not.

He was ready to shine tonight. Thranduil the Elvish king had donned his finest gowns for the occasion. “You!” he called out to one of his servants by the door. “Bring me my tiara, the one with all the autumnal colours – they bring out my eyes.”

A laugh escaped his lips. He twirled around and watched the exquisite fabrics float around him. He was going to show those stinky dwarves over at Erebor how to party. Especially Thorin. Tz. He knitted his brows at the thought of Thorin _Woodcock_ Oakenshield.

After putting the finishing touches on his eyebrows he was ready to tackle the nightlife of Middle Earth.

He descended from his chambers to his entourage. Thranduil could only guess how many hours he had left them waiting. He smiled, ready to bathe in the glory that was their impressed reactions to his beauty.

Everyone was speechless as he’d anticipated. But something was wrong. They didn’t look as stunned as usual. Instead their expressions were wary.

“Is something wrong? Why are you not reduced to tears of joy upon my appearance?”

No one dared to speak at first. An unpleasant silence filled the vast halls.

“Speak up, I demand it!”

Thranduil was growing furious.

“Uhm. I-I beg your pardon, my Lord Thranduil, b-but it seems like a terrible error has occurred during your latest spray tan, for your skin, my Lord, looks like you have spent the past month mining with the dwarves in Moria”

 

 

** 2 Temperature **

“Listen- Listen, Legolas” Hiccups interrupt King Thranduil’s command to his son. Around them a couple of empty bottles of the finest wine are lined up on the table. Thranduil has a party hat half-heartedly placed on his head.

“It was long before you were born, long before our folk decided to stay in Mirkwood.” The King of the Elves closes his piercing light-blue eyes losing himself in memories from long ago.

_“Hi, my name is Thrandy and I got the right temperature to shelter you from the storm!” Young king Thranduil suggestively winked at the pretty Elvish lady in front of him on the dance floor. She wore a beautiful, stunning gown that had drawn his attention to her immediately._

_The Elvish lady didn’t know what happened, but something definitely did happen, and for a second she completely lost herself in Thranduil’s mysterious eyes._

_“Whoever you might be, my Lady, I am sure that even the fires of Mount Doom are not nearly as hot as you are.” His words really tickled her fancy._

_Thranduil had quite a charming smirk as well. And not only was he of breathtaking beauty, but a good dancer as well. As DJ Gandy da Gray owned the DJ booth the two of them owned the dance floor the whole night, until Thorin Woodcock Oakenshield had decided it was wiser to evacuate the halls and shut down the lights of Erebor for that night._

“Daddy, please stop talking” Legolas covers his ears and closes his eyes tightly to escape from the images his father is planting into his mind with his reminiscing. “This is so embarrassing!”

“Legolas, my son, I think you need to hit that floor with me one day – I think your green wardrobe would blend in just perfectly with the Erebor disco lights.”

 

 

** 3 Spin me right round **

Thranduil – being the party animal he was – couldn’t resist the idea of another night out under the mountain. Therefore he had called for the finest members of his entourage who were to accompany him. Of course all their clothes matched and were equally well-selected but none of them outshone Thranduil – he was the king after all.

As Thranduil and his gang stepped inside of Erebor – after having been IDed by Balin and Dwalin – the party was in full swing already. There were all sorts of creatures filling the club under the mountain. There were dwarves dancing in cages hung high above the ground and also fellow elves enjoying the sight and the good wine they were given.

The beat quickly got Thranduil excited and he started dancing towards the darkrooms in the back of the mountain. As soon as he’d reached them his light blue eyes were caught by an interesting view.

“Who is this Elvish girl?” He moved closer, already looking forward to joining the love game the elf and one of Thorin's sister sons had started, only to notice it was Tauriel moving her head up and down continuously and exactly in time with the rhythm of the song.

_Down, up, down, up, down, up, chug it_

Thranduil patted her shoulder proud how quickly and how much she had learned from her king.

 

 

** 4 Bubble Butt **

“Legolas, your mother loved you” Thranduil frowned and looked at his beloved son it utmost sincerity. “She loved you more than twerking”

“Dad, I don’t want to hear this!” cried Legolas shaking his head and covering his ears to prevent his mind from being tainted by yet another embarrassing story about his parents. “Dad, please”

Thranduil smiled nostalgically looking up to the starlit sky as he reminisced once more. “Legolas, my son, your mother was truly the most skilled twerking lady I have had the pleasure to meet in my very long, very fulfilled life. Nothing could compare.”

He shook his head slightly, still smiling warmly as he thought of Legolas’ mother pressing her delicious bottom against his body.

“DAD!”

A pleasant sigh escaped Thranduil’s lips. “She truly owned that dance floor under the mountain. Everyone was jealous of her great ability.”

Thranduil twirled around and opened his arms to welcome his son inside them. But Legolas was long gone. From downstairs Thranduil heard sobbing and sniffling. “Oh Legolas, how glad I am that you love your mother so much…”

 

 

** 5 Evacuate the dance floor **

So, rumor had it there was an open position on the White Council. Thranduil wanted it. Elrond wanted it, too. But there could only be one and there was only one way to settle the elves’ argument.

A dance-off.

The air was hot and sticky. Gandy da Gray was on a roll. The club under the mountain was full of people dancing to the heavy beats and amidst all those people stood Elrond and Thranduil facing one another.

Their battle had already started. Elrond had delivered some extraordinary moves, Thranduil had not known the other was capable of. The pressure was on him now. The crowd was cheering him on keenly waiting for what he had in store for them.

He let the music take control of his body. He made the first few graceful movements totally in synch to the music not missing a beat. The cheers grew louder. Thranduil was sure of his victory. All he had done so far was just leading up to his great finale-

“EVACUATE THE DANCEFLOOR” shouted an all too familiar voice from the gallery. Thorin Woodcock Oakenshield.

Suddenly the music stopped and all the lights went on. The King under the Mountain was throwing them all out of Erebor. Thranduil didn’t care about the dwarf’s reasons – he was infuriated. Thanks to this excuse of a king he never had the chance to even compete for the spot on the White Council since it went to Elrond straight away. All that only because that stupid dwarf had decided to evacuate the dance floor which left Thranduil disqualified from his own dance-off.

Thranduil really hated dwarves.

 

** BONUS – I see fire **

Thranduil blinked multiple times before he realized exactly where Thorin Woodcock Oakenshield had taken him. And truly they were standing on the grounds of the huge Bollwerk Stronghold Angmar Inc. which was infamously chaired by the Bitch-King of Angmar. This shack apparently was the new place to be.

Thorin Woodcok Oakenshield observed these unknown surroundings carefully. The Bitch-King of Angmar had countless barrels filled with fuel set on fire lined up all over his Bollwerk and two especially large ones at either side of his throne.

The flames were burning high. The heat was almost unbearable. Due to the heat, everyone inside of the Bollwerk wore little if any clothing. At most, the Orc-dancers and waiters were wearing a cloth around their waists.

Thranduil frowned. “Tell me, King under the Mountain, is this really the place you longed for?” Somehow, Thranduil couldn't believe Thorin felt good here.

And he didn't feel good at all.

The heat and flames around them were burning his skin. The grotesque little creature known as MC Gol was handling the turntables and putting on what Thranduil thought was not music but an insult to his ears. It was too loud and too heavy. Above all else there were barely any other dwarves, let alone elves in this hellhole.

“I hate you dwarves and your stupid ideas!” Thranduil snarled at Thorin. His white gown – a present from Galadriel – was usually whiter than Earendil's light but due to the flames and smoke around them, it had turned grey. His eyes were watery.

Thranduil was just about to order Thorin to take him home when the Bitch-King made an announcement. A special performance was going to take place tonight. That was when the heavy bass set in and no other than Smaug, the Horrible, landed in the middle of the fiery pit that was the dance floor. An infernal cry shook the Bollwerk and left Thranduil and Thorin in shock. Thranduil ducked behind the dwarf’s shoulders to look for shelter in spite of himself.

“Come, Elf, we better take our leave” announced Throin to Thranduil’s relief. It wasn’t until they’d almost left the Bollwerk Stronghold of Angmar Inc. that they realized the terrible dragon was actually singing.

 


End file.
